That time of year...

...when we celebrate the birth of our first child.  15 years old..wow!!  We celebrated as he wanted..with the extended family enjoying spaghetti and meatballs.  We are very lucky too, in that this boy is still happy with Lego for his main gift :)  I made a wintry birthday cake for a change...many of us nearly lost teeth to those silver balls!  Having a birthday 5 days before Christmas must be hard going but we try and keep everything separate.

This is also the time of year when today marks another year gone since my lovely Mum died.  This evening will be the 7th year without her here...although I still feel her with me, so she not really gone.  The thing I do miss though, is being able to just pick up the phone and talk to her, tell her those silly things/happenings, that don't really mean much, but are great to share.  I'm quite sure she's been checking  in on the progress of my Hut and would have loved to have done some crafting with me there. 

I'm actually feeling very positive today.  I've been to the Christingle service at school this morning, then dropped off an order.  This afternoon my sister and I are going to see the Book of Remembrance at the Crematorium.  Neither of us have seen it yet as we usually go to the cemetery where we scattered her ashes, so this year will be different.  Then this evening I've got the last order to finish and the marzipan to put on the cake (which I only managed to make yesterday!).

I would like to thank you all for sticking with me through this up and down, busy busy, year.  I shall try very hard to post more regularly in this lovely online world next year.

Solistice blessings for today, Yuletide greetings/Christmas wishes for the 25th and lots of love and happiness for the New Year.

Two Days....

Two days, both holding two different meanings for me.  Firstly, my first born turned 14.  We opened presents, we gathered the larger family together to have food and celebrate,....

...we ate cake, we laughed, we listened to music...

....we gave him his own door key (thank you Claire for the idea), with a keyring made by the fabulous Pippa.  Go take a peek at her shop ...she can do bespoke items too :o).  As I was in the kitchen for most of the day I also made the Christmas puds.

Second day...the six year anniversary marking the day my Mum died.  I still dwell on the details of the day, even though I know I shouldn't.  I know I would get loads more christmassy things done if I weren't counting down the days until this day, but.... on the actual day (the 21st) I'm actually ok.  I light a candle, my mood lifts, I think of her, I made two lots of soap in preparation for my first craft fairs, I made the cards for the boys and the Hubby...

 ...I finished the chocolate frog earrings (a pair for a lovely friend and a pair for me)...

...I made some hanging snowmen for two other lovely friends from the home ed group.  By the end of the night I was very excited about Christmas again.  I dreamt about her overnight...she came to see me...she's still there, in my heart :o).

Crafty Joy :o)

Yes I know summer is upon us but I've had an urge for a while to try some chunky mittens, so last night after the Knitter Natter group I thought I'd make a start. I found the pattern on Ravelry, it calls for a chunkish wool and 6mm dpn.

I've also been doing some new brooches - these will have big felt leaves added to them to make a good sized brooch. And see my little treat there....just £8 on ebay for some gorgeous hooks.


The ongoing flower scarf - I have to admit that this is a pain in the butt...all the counting and remembering to join, and it's so fiddly....I think that's why I've got a few other things on the go too.

And this is the bag I'm making for my sister-in-law's birthday. It's all stitch up on the sides, I've made the loops for the buttons, a long piece which I may add to the handle (not decided how I'm doing that yet) and the fabric arrived so I can line it. She loves purple and cats so this fabric should be perfect ;o).

---oO0---

I wasn't sure whether I was going to add this bit but it was so freaky, in a good way, so I'll tell you. While I was at Knitter Natters last night the conversation got onto Mum's. The lady I was there with (yes there's still only 2 of us) didn't know I'd lost my Mum so she asked me what happened. As I got to the final day at the hospital the song we played at her funeral came on the jukebox!!! I was speechless and the other lady was near to tears too. So odd, freaky and comforting all at the same time. When hubby got home from work I was telling him and he grabbed my arm in comfort, but I told him there was no need, it didn't upset me, it was just amazing really. So there, she's still with me, helping me, watching me, guiding me, loving me xxx

Pushing my luck, me thinks!

This is the mess that greeted me this morning. Not a very happy mess as you can see. I had a lovely day considering it was the anniversary of my Mum's passing. I was up in time to see a tiny sliver of the lunar eclipse before the haze finally hid it from us. I lit a candle for Mum, placing it on the hob where I could see it (she liked cooking too) then spent most of the morning in the kitchen making more sugar scrubs (decided to do sugar again instead of the salt), making the rosehip vodka, covering the christmas cake with marzipan, and making chocolate covered marzipan sweets. Then hubby took the kids into town after lunch so they could finish their own little bit of shopping, so while they were out I managed to get the lego mat nearly finished (just need the handles adding) and two of the side-of-the-bed-storage-thingys nearly finished. Then after tea I thought I'd do the rocky road. The recipe calls for dark chocolate but I know everyone doesn't like dark chocolate so I used milk chocolate instead. Well, next time I will follow the recipe as I ruined two batches (£16 I certainly can't afford to replace) of chocolate and butter and all the other stuff that goes in as the milk chocolate separated!! Apparently, the dark chocolate should be used as it has a lower fat content - new lessen learned (the hard way) for me eh! I left in sat there otherwise it may have decorated the kitchen for me ;o) and went and wrapped some pressies instead. All-in-all it was a lovely solstice and Mums candle went out of it's own accord while I was disaster-ing in the kitchen.

Eek...a teenager!

Yes..we have a teenager in the house! Here he is opening some pressies with us this morning already a teenager as he was born at 7.20am. He's currently at the pictures with his friend watching harry potter while I make this cake ready for him coming home. Hubby and I did actually manage to get some housework done before any guests started arriving yesterday. We've had a busy morning with them too, but now it's all quiet. Aaron doesn't really like much fuss so it's been perfect.

I went out to put some scraps in the compost pot outside the back door and look what greeted me. My camera doesn't capture the beauty of it at all but it looked so huge in the growing dusk, and with the hoar frost still on the trees from the day (-9 here). Solstice tomorrow, and 5 years since my wonderful Mum died. 5 years to come to terms with her death. 5 years to appreciate that she lived rather than that she died and left me. 5 years to realise that she is not in the things that were hers but that she lives in me. 5 years is a long time.

Solstice blessings to everyone for tomorrow - and if you're lucky enough to see the lunar eclipse then enjoy :o).

Mum

Yvonne, born 6 March 1955 - my Mum and friend. Today is her birthday - she would have been 55 years old. I chose this poem to have read at her funeral, but it is only now that I can actually do these things without feeling angry or bitter at losing her.

She is gone

You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile that she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all that she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind

be empty and turn your back

or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I dreamt about her last night - first time in ages. I do believe that people who've died visit us in our dreams. She must know that the cruse counselling helped because she said to me 'you don't need me any more' (in a nice way), and I replied that I'll always need her.

-x-

Anyway, I finished these last weekend but I wanted to save them for today. They will hang in my hallway just as soon as I've painted it all.

Edited to add: the date at the top should be 6 March but blogger wouldn't allow me to schedule it!!!!!

Rather embarrassing really

I needed something calming yesterday so I sorted out my material into cotton/poly-cotton/other type piles and then thought I'd start on some of the other shelves. The cross-stitch shelf has a fair amount of used patterns that I've kept, and a rather embarrassing amount of kits that I've started and haven't finished from the last 17 years! So to shame myself into finishing them (one day) I've added a new section to the side bar lists. Anyone else care to own up to half-completed, or barely started, crafts? Go on, make me feel better................please.

On a slightly better note, I found the above cross-stitch which used to hang in the living room when I lived with my Mum, which I am going to re-mount and hang in my new hallway. I also found the small embroidery which I didn't even know she had done - so this is the only example. This too will also hang in the hallway when I have mounted it properly. I'm going to use the embroidery hoops as I love to see them hanging on walls with embroidery in them.

And finally, one finished granny square blanket - yah. Although it's not very big (probably just over a metre square), it covers my legs when I'm sat on the couch, so that's big enough for me. Actually, if it were any bigger it would be very heavy as it's made from cotton rather than wool. It is lovely and soft though, so perfect for me.

The excitement is building

I can feel it bubbling away inside - the excitement - and it feels good. This will be the first year since my Mum died (4 years on the 21st) that I have had this feeling back. We also have Aaron's birthday on Sunday...12 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As hubby is still recovering from his back op we shall be having a surprise birthday tea at home with family ssshhhh.

Today I have made 2 more Christmas puddings - one for the in-laws and one extra as we have my sister and her kids coming for Christmas dinner now. I have also started on the cloth bags that I will be using instead of wrapping paper (first picture). I worked out I need 18 - I cut and pinned 11, and have managed to get 7 stitched (2 complete and 5 needing handles). Woohooo. Feel like I'm getting somewhere now. I've also started a hat for my Nan using the Twilleys wool, Heather, I think is the colour. Need to get this finished so I can post her pressies before the weekend.

Right, back to the crafting. Hope everyone else's is going well xxx

Has it really been a year?!

Wow, a year! The time has gone so quickly, yet at other times it seems like I've always been doing this. It's been lovely to record the things I make, and since discovering blogland, it's been more wonderful to see the other blogs that are out there, to share these experiences that we all have, to show everyone the things we make.

It's also been a huge help to me to off-load some of my feelings regarding the loss of my Mum. I can't believe that will be 4 years in December. She was the person who taught me my crafting skills, who was always there to show me, who always had the answer to any problems. She is sorely missed and will be always.

To celebrate this past year and to say thank you to all those who have left comments regarding the things I make, and words of wisdom, of support and of love regarding everything else I shall have a give-away. The winner shall receive something from my shop or I can make a bag for you - the choice shall be yours. Leave a comment and I'll draw a name out on Friday 13th November - a lucky day for someone :-).

New baby and 'stuff'

Here's the new baby card I made for the gorgeous Claire and her family. Congratulations to you all xxx.

I had the last of my bereavement counselling sessions on Monday. It feels as if I've just got used to going and now it's ending. Anyway, it has been hard - coping with the emotions I hadn't realised I'd hidden away - but I also feel slightly stronger as well. I managed to play one of the songs we had played at Mum's funeral the other day as well, so I think that is very telling. I'm sure I will still find there are some difficult times but hopefully I'll manage them better.

My sister has given me one of Mum's skirts that she wants me to make a couple of things with. We both ended up with a couple of items of clothing but this skirt holds certain memories for her so I feel honoured that she has asked me to do this.

I also have an order for another bag.

A decision is made

A lovely thought came to me last night regarding Mum's ashes tub - so this morning I felt strong enough to rinse out the remaining ashes and water my apple tree I got for my birthday last year. Although I believe that the body is just a shell and her spirit is roaming free I just couldn't bring myself to part with it. This way there is a tiny part of her in my garden (she loved gardening) and the tub is in the recycling box ;-). I feel lighter today.

Up and down sort of week

After Monday's bereavement counselling session, Tuesday was definitely a down. Wednesday was up with the Suma catalogue and the food boxes. Thursday was the dentist so that was definitely a down. Friday was a bit of both (above cards are for my Sister-in-law and Nephew's birthdays) and today is definitely a down. Stressed about lots of things as well as the counselling - can't quite put my finger on them all yet. I still have the tub that my Mum's ashes were in, can't bring myself to get rid of it. If it wasn't in the house I don't think I would be bothered about it - we scattered Mum's ashes on her birthday 3 years ago - but it's sat on my wardrobe opposite the bed. I know I should recycle it (she liked to recycle) but something stops me. Think I'm clinging again.

Needed to make something for me so I made these liners for our old fruit basket. I'm going to use it to display some of the smaller items I make.

Just realised it's Father's Day tomorrow and I haven't made a card yet.

Thank you

I just want to thank all those people who left comments for me regarding the bereavement counselling. I'm so thankful that I can let my feelings out somewhere where it helps me but also saves me from shouting at those close to me. So thank you all so much and know that your love, thoughts and comments are very much appreciated.

And thank you to anyone who has ever left a comment for me - I do try and reply sometimes but there isn't always the time.

Love and hugs to you all.

Bereavement counselling

I attend group bereavement counselling on a Monday evening after being referred by my doctor. I never realised how much I had kept hidden away - mainly about the hospital/nurses/doctors and the actual illness which she had (lung cancer). I always thought of lung cancer as a 'dirty' disease - the government/nhs have a very good way of portraying this with their ads and campaigns against smoking. Well, my Mum probably smoked a year through her entire life (firstly when she finally left my Dad, and secondly when her 2nd marriage broke down as her husband had an affair) so for me to find out that it was lung cancer was a hard thing to accept. The final diagnosis of what was actually wrong with her happened so close to her actual death (6 days) that I don't think any of us had to chance to 'get used' to the reality of the situation. I had a run in with one of the nurses over the standard of care my Mum was receiving so I find that difficult as well.

The course is for 2 hours per week over 8 weeks - I have been to 3. The last 2 weeks I have felt awful for the couple of days following the meeting. I have been thinking about things that I have kept hidden away for the last 3.5 years so you'll forgive me if I take about this over the coming weeks. Hopefully, if I write some of it down it will help me to move forward with the couple of things that I'm still struggling with. Thank you.

Surprising myself

It's amazing the lack of confidence we have in our own abilities isn't it - I'm sure it's not just me. Well, I've surprised myself again by re-teaching myself how to crochet granny squares. My Mum taught me when I was in my teens, and thinking back it's probably 18 years since I last did any. She used to start me off and then pass it to me when there was 3 rounds - then I would just go round and round so it was a big square. Well, inspired by Claire, Becky, Joxy and Lucy, I got my hook out again on Tuesday. I've attempted this a couple of times already over the last few months but never mastered it - well, Tuesday was the night and I made 5 little squares using the bamboo wool that I got a few weeks ago. Amazing - I was so thrilled - my hubby knows I'm bonkers already but on Tuesday he was rolling his eyes ;-). Yesterday I sat and made another 22 and then this afternoon and this evening I've done another 3 (to finish the balls of wool) and then weaved all the ends in. Since this is my first go I'm going to do the blocking as well - might as well start as I mean to go on :-).

Went to the cemetery yesterday and visited my Nan as well. Today had not been too bad until I got a hurtful text of my Dad. Aaaaaaaaaaaaargggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....can't take it today of all days. He's not the only one suffering.


Started the penguins.

Cards

I've managed to make 3 cards today. The first is a birthday card for my nephew who will be 12 next week. He's into skull's so hopefully he'll like this (it's done with my watercolour pencils again). The second is a card for my Nan for Sunday. We always go and see her on Mother's Day because she is missing a card from my Mum, so I like to make sure she gets some flowers and a card. Lastly, is the Mother's Day card for Hubby's Mum. This was a rubber stamp picture which I have sat and coloured using my Mum's inks. Just got another birthday card and an anniversary card to do now for this month.

I have actually posted my season table swap makes today, but because I drafted them at the end of february I think that's where the post is - must go and look. EDIT - just found it if your interested.

It's not fair

I hate this time of year so that's why I've not been around much. March holds my Mum's birthday, which I can just about cope with, but it also holds Mother's Day, which I definitely can't cope with. All the adverts, the cards in the shops, the flowers (she so loved her flowers), more bloody adverts, everyone else getting to spend the day with their mum (I know, very selfish of me) and I can't spend the day with mine. It's not fair.

Mum's things

As I've spent the last few days talking about my Mum's craft things I thought I'd show you what I was getting anxious over. At the top are the brass stencils, then the parchment tools and then the tints and acrylics. I'm done talking about it now - thank you for listening.

Woooohoooooooooo!

After finalling managing to speak to my sister and brother about Mums things, I've managed to convince them (sounds like I was brainwashing them but I wasn't) to let me buy the few things I would like and sell the rest as they both wanted. I feel like a weight has been lifted - I'm very, very happy - and it seems that my brother and sister will be happy once they've got some cash for their kids. I don't want to sound angry at them, they have their ways and I have mine, so we've all got the outcome we wanted. Woohoooooo.

Thank you for the comments as well, I'm so glad it wasn't just me that felt that way. Your support is much appreciated.

Another good thing this afternoon was my domain name at Misi was approved - yipee. Hubby made my banners and avatar for that one and for the one I've set up on Etsy. Just need to stock them now :-).

So, all in all the day has turned out fantastic.