'If we did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.' Thomas Edison









13 July 2010

Struggling


This year I just feel a little 'lost' - spiritually mainly. I have never been religious but the older I get the more I need something. I'm delving into paganism to try and help my searching. I think I would like to visit a medium too.


I'm also finding that the moon plays a huge part on my emotions/hormones. I've been meaning to record my menstrual cycle with the moon but I haven't got around to it yet - must make the effort this evening. With this new moon my emotions have been all over the place, especially with regards my Dad. I don't really know how to explain the relationship I have with him (and you'll have to forgive my ramblings but it's eating away at me) suffice to say I'm angry, disappointed and sad. I wish I had the courage to tell him how he's hurt me over the years but I know he'll just never talk to me again and that's not what I want. It's funny how you read about child abuse; how hitting children it wrong; but I've found that's it's always the little things which have upset me (or maybe they aren't really that small in hindsight!). I don't know. I think I'll have to write some of them down somewhere - at least let them out of my head and heart before it does anymore damage.

4 comments:

Charlotte said...

Maybe keep a book , sort of like a diary with all your thoughts, hopes, feelings you could chart your cycle and the moon in it too. Might help you to work through things a bit . ((((hugs))))))

Scented Sweetpeas said...

:-( I hope as the year goes on you feel more settled and I am sure taking control of your emotions via writing them down or something like that will help. I am sure the moon has more of an effect on us than we realise sometimes.

Pippa said...

Your post sounds so familiar and yes, it does eat away at you. We've just had a lovely weekend in Kent, but I had to 'hide' on two days because my father and his new wife and children were in the area and I just couldn't face seeing them, playing happy families while he pretends to forget everything about my childhood. It's as you say, the little things that hurt the most with both of my parents, the times when they could have given great comfort, but didn't and when they just forgot I was there or that I might get hurt by their actions. My parents have effectively rubbed me out of their lives. They have new marriages, new children and really hated being reminded of happy times in their old marriage. It makes me feel totally rootless and unsure as to where I belong in anyone's family.

Definitely write it down, I'm not sure if this has helped me or not,but it's better than having it hanging around in my head. Also, acknowledge that you feel hurt because you've been hurt, that it's not because of a fault in you. I've been told by my mother that I'm oversensitive. It's rubbish. I never heard her complain of my sensitivity when it was me helping her through all her many traumas and love affairs.

I'm still on this journey, and like you, I have looked at people who really get a lot of support from various religions and I do feel a bit envious and wonder if some kind of spiritual guidance would help. DH tells me that I have my own family now and shouldn't let the hurt of my parents get to me and he's right I expect. But parental hurt rocks the very roots that we are made from and it's hard to feel secure in future relationships (including those with my own children) when my parents have long since forgotten about me. I'm terrified that history will repeat itself or that my children, like my parents, will grow up and think I'm worthless to them.

Above all, don't bottle it up. Sometimes I get really angry with myself for being so hurt, it makes me feel weak and pointless and that's a destructive way to feel. I've not much advice for you have I, only to say that what you are saying makes total sense to me. Sending lots of love. xxxxxx

parasombra said...

I watch the moon and teh stars a lot. My dad died in 2005 and he spent a lot of his life watching the moon and stars a surveyor for the Ordnance Survey.

Dh proposed to me on a full moon, we were married on a full moon and other significant events have occurred on full moons too. The brightness of it, the perfection of it's fullness, the waxing and waning of it all draw me to seek it out and as I am noctural I see it often.

At times of despair or sorrow a glimpse of the moon revitalises me and settles me somehow and I feel that this is connected to my Dad. I miss his desperately at times and I see a benevolence and kindness in the night sky which is what I feel I need.